All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.