Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
lmfao come on
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds