Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”