Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Meanwhile in Portland…
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head