Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
multitasking lunch
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”