the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
fourth time’s the charm
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.