You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone