If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
You Might Also Like
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
just got my engagement photos
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.