You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Pikachu found the lost joint
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I need a headline like this
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*