I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
You are not alone 💚
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Raisins are grape jerky.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.