WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You Might Also Like
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
this is funnier than any friends episode
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”