My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
titanic
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.