[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
They grow up so quick
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?