Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
is this a warning or an offer?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host