Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.