A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.