20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me irl
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
back to work
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”