[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Respect
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order