what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
The two types of wives
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb