[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You Might Also Like
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*