Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.