Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…