Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you