[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Breaking news:
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.