“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits