My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.