I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Don’t make me out nice you.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.