News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Accurate
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA