In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
awkward
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting