Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
You Might Also Like
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram