What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Who.
Did.
This?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.