Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
That was easy.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.