There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home