I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: