My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
are there any atheist mantises?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.