#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’