CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.