wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.