Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Ha
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
yea so i messed up lol
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.