me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.