Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.