If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.