Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?