When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
the world’s most popular steaming services
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.