Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.