Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me My dog
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?