I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
peep davidson
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me