Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.