My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
S M O L
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter