My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
You Might Also Like
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Yup….perfect score!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My last name is Zilla.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree